Angels Beckon You Home
8.6.2025
I finally met someone.
Dreamy river waves…
Dirty water I dipped my toes in
In front of you; I lost control in the right proportion.
You are
Gorgeously beautiful.
Like all those people appear in my deepest dream
Surrounded by aura.
Little moments of hug, little moments that unlocked my memories of
Being in the early heaven.
Not lost.
Not lost in a maze on the foreign lands, with no touch with anyone, truly.
None of them are my friends.
But, a spark of chance; here it showed up,
I shouldn’t feel so surviving
As if taking you to find something
But I find a person, good enough to trip again, as a reason that the world wouldn’t be way too bad to stay in
If a death, you,
Bring what I adore in the other world
(That up-side-down world)
— that lure me even into death —
Here.
This world is flipped.
It’s not a plain white space of slow-burnt pain anymor3
Alex.
8.11.2025
Thinking of leaves.
Thinking of
the death
Thinking of
smoke in your lungs
Thinking of
the drum and the last night’s talk
Love
Embedded with charcoal like smell
With slight pins I put on maps
Slight pains of heart
I don’t know how to raise this thought
This thought of having you hear about the pain I heard from other people’s heart
I want to tell you: the people I love, suffered
You were suffering, someone loves you too.
Someone loves them… they were exercised till death
Or consumed fast
I wish to hear a yell from you
The system thinks: he crushed an ant
The ant: in the funeral surrounded by crying ants
I’m a crying ant in the outer crowd, hearing the swore from the inner.
Maybe I can deliver it further
So I cry
心里轻轻地痛
爱总让人痛。我希望你睡得好
我似乎爱上你得如此之快，无法想象到最后会爱得你有多深
现在不希望你离开我身旁。
8.15.2025
I am getting nervous,,
idk how you felt abt me, idk if you like me, or why
I want us to flow with our feelings, take it slowly. We get so close so fast, and I don’t often get kisses.
You are a honey.
I think it’s a little bit fast, should we slow down? I’m feeling nervous, maybe you feel so too.
But I think any relationship is built upon friendship ! I’d like to be a true friend of yours, you are my honey. I don’t have people to kiss that much in life
9.2.2025
Affecting people I love life is not good right
I am I. The next stage
___________a
Imaging knowing me in the way myself do
Maybe that’s who you are finally
So many dead songs
Long dead songs
I’ve drained every taste I could from them
From your long gone emotions
Before your years in your life
(I feel so unequal, I wish I know u. Be a part of ur life with ur lively feelings.
But I don’t feel jealous anymore because I see the two of u
9.7.2025
I love you so much…. My love language is writing, letters maybe, there are so much more for u on the inside I’m always kinda muted in daily life. All the luv u language I could spill out were only the surface of it…
I think of the first time talking to you online, and the first time you came to my house. I am slowly putting myself in this affection for you, landing from dreams to reality, for I also live in my inside world so much.
Now I can feel a plant growing inside of me every day. it’s so good to have met you, you know? I also have so much hope for the future, unexplainable, for any kind of future that means freedom.
10.10.2025
Dear Angel,
I don’t have anyone else that I think romantically or even sexually; I do have a bunch of friends. My mode fluctuated for a while when just start to know u and locking down relationship, so I was kinda disconnected with people, but now I feel secure enough to get back to normal socializing o.o
I don’t find most people attractive, even among those that are good-looking, I don’t easily find someone I am into. I think of your bones in the bed, I like how big you are, I like how you look like from the side and front, how sad and frustrated you naturally look like. Everything about u is very special, and the kind I want the most.
I just want u to know even tho I may start to be more open and out going, it doesn’t mean a thing to me, all those people I met.
A while ago it’s hard to cut off from Sonya, because she is trying to reconnect with me. In the end of our friendship, I have to be very harsh and remember how bad she is, and be really cruel. That was hard for me cuz I know it’s really gonna hurt her, I don’t like to hurt people, but I have to do this.
I told her how much you and I were for each other, and we are planning to see each other’s family, and live our whole life together if nothing goes wrong. This is when she was trying to get me into the union to salt. I think it’s accepted, and I can talk about our love casually now.
Things between Sonya and I were really weird. That’s why I said in the beginning that we were not in a relationship. We don’t do anything romantic, like express love, kiss, we don’t even see each other that much. But if anyone approached me, she would start to bitch me about. I had enough of this game, and that she’s not committing to anything serious but just trapped me at a place of nowhere. I think that’s the main thing I have been recovering from, and I think it’s already openly accepted that you are the person I love and am in relationship with right now, also planning to continue for a really long time, my soulmate.
I have been cleaning all those platonic friendships that I have in my life, letting people know I met someone I am equally platonic attracted but also romantically. You are my priority or equal to those who I have known and be friends with for 8 years, I make sure she knows to respect boundaries.
Still it’s a very special experience for me, being in relationship with someone I reality, like actually. I am figuring it out, and just want this to work. Cuz I know you are already the best for me, I can’t find or think of anyone as beautiful as you, spiritual and physically, and I am attracted to, and we have a good relationship together, and talented…. So many things adds up, I love every part of you.
I just really need to figure out life then, and I want to live with you and secured, don’t wanna ended up being miserable and let that distort what we have. I also still really love art, I want to create things. Your arms are the nest but also the future, I keep looking into a future where we create something together, experience everything we could. And I am not just saying. I long for the world, standing side by side with your shoulder.
I love you, I wish I can lead u to all my friends. I mean loosely-friends, not deeply connect in person but belongs to the community that play instruments or make arts together sometimes. That’s what I enjoy. I met a past roommate yesterday, they just came back from Egypt, we realize we have a mutual friend of middle-east music assemble, so hopefully we can all hangout to jam. Kai is gonna make us soup, I talked about you so much too. Kai is very happy I finally find someone compatible, cuz they witnessed how sad I could be.
Anyway I said too much. I love you angel. I am manifesting how I feel about you and our relationship cuz the only way I know is being honest. I want to always be very honest with you.
Yours,
Z
10.22.2025
清晨醒来
感到对你 藤蔓式复杂的牵挂
复杂的欲念渐渐攀上 嫉妒 嫉妒 嫉妒
我开始感觉心如钢铁 在后世界的残酷中
逐渐剥离人类的部分
我厌恶去担心
控制不住的担心
我会逐渐变老，面目可憎。
面目可憎的部分会加深。我从我自己之中看到那样的映像。实在招人讨厌。
那到最后怎么办呢，你厌烦我了，你讨厌我了，忍受不幸。
我被世界上所有会分开我们的可能性吓到了。
我与你，住在白色的、坚冰一样的透明城堡里。是你创造出的天堂和伊甸。
因为你是灰色的、真正的天使。
♾️
10.24.2025
oh, I called the union yesterday to ask about the situation in Eden. Obviously since it’s not a unionized workplace, there’s not much they can do.
The only way to work on this, is to organize within first. Cuz one worker can easily get fired, but if workers agree to fight together, to either get a better contract (that may include no unreasonable firing, no calling one hour before to ask employees to be on the shift, insurance etc.) or gonna go on strike and have picket line in front of the workplace or on the opposite of the street, that will be much more powerful.
You guys deserve those rights, because the restaurant is making a lot of money, and you hold the power to keep it running or not. If there is actual plan to organize for a better contract, that’s when the union can help. Like writing/reviewing the contract for you, strategies talking to your co-workers, organizers provide support for your strike. I can even get in if u need.
I know this sounds far away, I was genuinely concerned and hated how your manager treated you. It isn’t right in any way. But to get respected and not fired, we need to use strategies and be careful.
It’s also related to how long you are gonna serve there. Or if you think it’s worthwhile to fight for this, for everyone there too.
10.27.2025
All those matter to me a whole lot, I don’t want to drag u out to anything but I want my partner to be someone who is into the things I am into, so we would go to things and do things together naturally.
who I am in life is related to those, outside of that, I don’t know who I am. At least the best version of me exists in the movements. When u love me you probably won’t even know who you are in love with because I really don’t know who I am now, I became a “girlfriend” that’s just trying to do something and failed, and my love will tell me that’s ok, but I am a fighter, I need to actually push things through to the other side, and be as useful as I could possibly be, or machine-lize myself, for the goal we ultimately want, I can’t just go a life road and allow myself to fail
So I just really don’t know who I am now. All those times I try to invite you to different things, not because I wanna hangout but because they are actually important, very important; help me become a human and move things forward, inside and outside. Like me saying those wouldn’t be cute, but I shouldn’t be cute, but my person should be more interested in those things I am actually talking about like the revolution, than my romantic value
10.28.2025
I am so joyful and lucky rn, when I think about it. I am serious about you, not only in the way of “partner” but simply as knowing another human. I don’t know many ppl in my whole life, altho I know of many people, none means an actual being to me. It kinda has been like this since I moved here.
your face your voice your sweetness, sex w you, these are all my desserts but none of those initiates that love I had for you from the first time knowing you. I sensed something in you. And this statement of love is determined almost since then, not that you did something more or less will even change, if that would explain why I would do things for you and treat you very srsly, I am serious about you from the moment we met and talk, and walked from your house to the lake.
10.27.2025
一个老人第一次带着他的尿上飞机
I was so happy and young when you are here
Now I feel like a cold old stone
你在身边时 如此温暖 温柔 春风一般
剩下的所有时间里 我衰老而痛苦得像一块石头
也许这就是为什么我们在一起 不是吗
阿塔，地球河。
We should make a deal: this is important for me
Whenever you need money, please just ask, don’t ever say borrow, there’s no borrowing between us. But you are my wifey my family member, my money is shared with you as needed, but also taken care of for our future. It’s what I want. I hope this is understandable :)
大谎言，钩啊，饵！
I am gaining myself more than losing myself when being with you, that is so good.
Be transparent to Alexa. Hold no secrets. Sometimes it’s not because we did anything, but the uncertainty of not knowing, creates massive insecurities. So keep transparency :)
Remember to love her…remember to love Alexa.
11.1.2025
even if all my thoughts withering away I would not stop loving you, although I am a decaying being.
It may just take forever to love one person.
I am rotting, right here in this mess of the world. You are an impossible bird, who has wings that could fly.
You are the bravest being I have seen, by being loving to this cold world.
My thoughts now are fading away. I can’t seek my long-lost potential but always trapped in slightest depression. It blocks my eyes and slowly takes me away, back in the dirt and the oil, it pains my brain. I am sorry darling, you see I am losing myself right now.
But everything of you, everything of saves me from the countries of earthly world.
11.8.2025
我再也不想不认识你
被这个世界其他人扁平的视野所爱
所爱即所害
当我看到了一点点 也不会有评价与误解
我再也不想不认识你了 alexa
怎么敢有外人说我爱的人
怎么会敢有人冒犯她
我到底在哪里啊
爱你 对你的爱摇摆
界限内外漂动
我再也不想不认识你了 我会伤害你的 要是我还记得曾被伤到有多深
被浅薄的限度
11.9.2025
我孤单虚弱到已经被封锁，像是被风干被植物包裹的胚胎一样。
家里人想要我努力生活，养得起自己。他们关心社会的部分，但在那一切之外，连关于活下去的事情，我还是同几年之前一样，一点也不想在这个世界里了，只是恐怖、神秘、封锁。我内心的部分跟社会根本交融不了，我在别处而且必须逃开。
只是不去面对这一些我真正想要的，而依旧努力去做其他我在社会上要拼命的事，像是永远无尽的责任。太讨厌了。我无法呼吸，我需要还能浮到那个世界的水面上呼吸。
11.20.2025
在冬日的暖阳下，教室里，夕阳窗边，金黄的光。
你拉着我的马尾从后面进入我，这一刻感觉永恒且缓慢几乎不流逝。
i just want you to be forever logical
so I can be feeling things slowly
True love takes time and space to grow
那道永恒的光依旧留在我心里，随着我閤眼逐渐睡去
11.22.2025
Like flicking butterfly, one side is always loving another. There’s no meaning to have any side.11.28.2025
I feel so good today
Except for the few sins I made
12.23.2025
我感觉仿佛被推动——被自己推动，强大的力。却不知去往着何处。
我是我自己波涛中的浮木。凭借着无止境的执念，攀升至一种定制的扭曲，从土壤中长出，长出太高。
高到，何时接近太阳？我不知道我在去往何处。时代和爱，夺走了我拥有的全部控制。到这时，当我在将你推向一处时，我也不知道那真正是什么。
只能看到模糊的许诺，近乎无效无意义的许诺。（物质的——
如同我给其他人的许诺。
在考试过后，我需要用蘑菇，来看清自己
——又真的需要看清吗？为什么总是试图知晓而非不知晓？
——我尚未放弃自己为人的权利。为人的责任是明了，不能不看而歇息。
我感觉我在芝加哥还有未完成的topic。作为艺术家，我不能离开。
中西部的衰落，声音。
12.26.2025
EMAIL
I feel i shouldn’t be that an outsider or not understanding … i totally feel how you felt at some point of time, but just a different position nowadays.
there was a point for me to use drugs when i was in china, or abusing alcohol, cigarettes, especially to chase a feeling, but not right now in US. There’s nothing I could even enjoy when I am high here, I have no community, no one that I admire and wish to approach to using drugs. Nothing is really cool anymore. I don’t know how to describe this.
When I am high, I chase phantoms in the old past when I was in another country, and I have retasted it for over 20,000 times (literally, based on how many times i have played the same song from friends’) that everything has become plain, flavorless.
i feel i can’t rly talk in words, face to face, but writing manifests how i truly feel. i think the hearts of ours - in face-to-face daily life, is drifting away further, which is dangerous. so you would hide things from me because you can’t talk, not connected. i am still here with full conscience, no matter how i appear to be on the surface, no matter what stupid things i am chasing.
fuck those jobs and college and etc. it’s all because i have no purpose at all, im ultimately auto-piloting, there’s no way to solve my problem or nothing outside could move me anymore. i work hard aimlessly, because there’s a last hope of generating something worth living from myself, inside, thus im working to push forward somewhere, “having hope in the future”; sorry hope this is not too cliche
12.27.20256
thought/conversation recap
thinking of this before:
of what we are doing during these years.
field research in our own zone. Fortunately, my field, is people, industrial (labor). here, or being anywhere, being educator, being in the movement, being in the industrial, not work, im observing and learning what i need to learn, to get to a conclusion someday.
to know where to go further with society one day, in academia, research
it's due how/where i grew up. people and cultural environment (physical form of culture and dynamics) have always been my focus. i dont or i can't raise in other things easily. my topic is unavoidably eastern which has a problem for me (in current situation, i know too less abt "western")
you, grew up in the forest, by deduction, that is ur field.
no matter what we are doing for living, that's what you need to research and absorb knowledge of...
seeing this life as a training on the earth. the training includes being in the field, and suited to its rules, to learn about it, to have a conclusion and to provide records one day. i still see it as one of the legacy worth leaving behind as humans.
so i try to think about roads to not abandon my field, while thinking of what/where is my field.
1.29.2026
我在清晨醒来，想要给你写一封信。你的脸近在眼前，标志性的美丽，柔弱而难以置信地依旧爱我。但是我找遍了整个屋子，竟找不到一支笔。所以我现在写下，打算之后在誊写，那将是你会看到的版本。
你是一个天使，美好而美丽。我感觉仿佛在一直伤害你的心，谢谢你还没有离开，我难以想象：你怎么还能爱我，在所有我说过的话之后；同时感到愧疚，恐惧（你将离开）和幸运。在这些时候我总是很想跟你去结婚，可能如果我们被绑在一起，就没有那么容易离开彼此，就算我糟糕的记忆和大脑又蒙住了我的双眼，看不到你的全景，这一时刻的我也不会让彼时的我有机会犯错。这一刻的我在努力让我将你在以后留下——无论彼时的我怎么想，就算我变得糟糕，我的决定是不变的。
你会突然仅仅地搂住我，我一直很喜欢，被睡梦中的我需要。我发誓未来会好的，生活会很简单。而我从始至终一直爱你的，深刻地爱你，想要你，害怕失去。我只是一个很糟糕的自我背叛者，抱歉Alexa，我不该对你如此的，抱歉……请不要停止爱我，我还想一直跟你走下去。
2.6.2026
Why would I hope you to get clean
I hope you never get clean, get addicted to heavier things, lose love from anyone you ever loved, go to jail instead of school, stay in hell you forever.
How does you being clean do any good to me once I clean you out of my life
Only someone who love you will want good things for you. You didn’t appreciate any of that, appreciate any good options for you. Now I don’t love you because you are harming yourself and d Im harming, and I don’t care anymore. You should just rot in hell.
算了。回家看到你，美丽而劳作着，清理了我们的家。你给我一个大大的拥抱，说你爱我，相信我们的未来，我就哭了。好吧我不要其他人了，我只想回家来到你怀里，被你当成全部。我什么都想给你。
看到你手臂上抽出的血也很痛心，你缺血啊。
2.25.2026
This whole time, who I was being, just disgusts me. As if Zio has no self-respect, but being unconditional nice to anyone. How would you let zio take that, that’s not respecting her, not respecting myself too.
And so many things she wants, so many that she’s begging everyone. That’s not gonna work, that’s not making you go anywhere. You need to chill and do things that you actually like to do.
I already forgot what I like to do.
3.6.2026
I grew up under protection. (Even writing in this language is destroying my threads of thoughts, you see how immigration turns normal people to insanity.) 我在保护之下长大。My family gave me shelter, so did my society. Nowadays, not necessarily saying that I agree with it (I tried to break that protection that sheltered me and restricted me so much growing up. We all do, (this generation, any of “our” people) for realizing how our wings and sights aren’t fully mature underneath the protection, and nowadays, equally tasting its results.
I am protected too well, I never really know the society which everyone talks about. I don’t know much about work either, things that one decent person has to do to earn a living, the pain of fruitlessness in it. And now, now I SUFFER from the pain of facing it all by myself, with no support, no one that truly knows my value and my identity anymore, except for very few that loved me with curiosity, one or two.
I can’t make decisions either. Immigration puts me in a position where, I connect and attach with people, even before I know the consequences. Without knowing anything that is built upon an unstable root here, when I drift around I would lose all of it, so all that are in vain; attachments are like thin vines trapping my feet, anywhere I want to move, many thin vines trapped my steps, I can’t move forward for those threads of subtle pain.
It was never that simple. Me or someone would be crying, anywhere we go or leave. When the leaps among places cross such vast physics distances, it doesn’t form a firm net anymore. I am like a spider, who tries to build and maintain the web I have with people, yet it breaks at any point that I just moved away from. I think the threads have been thin in the first place, and the wind is huge. I don’t have a solid structure built by sticks, but constructed buildings upon winds.
I hate it here. I hate immigration. Not sure if I could still find my community when I am back home, because no one is gonna be as broken as me, yet as tough as me. I am a thin layer of draining heart with thick calluses.
I will say goodbye to immigration I guess. But declare: I am not yet ready to give up my person, my lover. In between us, the love and beauty that have been built, have exceeded limitations all bridges would have to bear. It has been stronger than the nature of immigration. I can’t help with my sadness being with here anymore, yet it doesn’t mean love is in vain. The way you love me, isn't in vain. And only you. Only you, Alexa. You exceed all this.
3.27.2026
3.16
在做爱的途中：
我永远、永远、永远、永远、永远、永远、永远、永远、永远、永远、永远、永远、永远、永远、永远、爱你。
为了你将我征服和拥有了的一瞬间。
为拥有我你付出的所有力气。你的爱是这样来的，这样追着来的。我会永远属于你。也只在这一瞬间。但瞬间意味着永远。
这不是借口。瞬间就是意味着永远。两者从未背离，只是被覆写。在这一刻我又想起流子，我这样说的话，很少见被懂得。奇迹一般的命运，带来是死亡的照映。
仅仅是一点点也够了，一点点就是我的全部。对你一点点的爱，被放大是我全部的生活，全部永恒的生活，这条路是我选的。照出的我身相的阴影会因这放大的小点，而被照至永恒无限。这就是我要的，永远有退路了。
我真正要的是没有退路，但是我要活下去的。
我真是幸运。碰到这样的人，在微小的世界里，还能够有巨大虹膜的一瞥，一瞥见世界，一瞥足矣。
我真正的爱都在那一隙里。并不存在于这世界里你的存在的对我的所有好处，而在我爱你的永恒一瞬里。
我的笔会撒谎。我不知道你的是不是也是。它有了它的自觉。为了美学会忽略抛弃我头脑中微弱的“不”，只为了看起来更像什么。
困了。
3.21.2026
I love the feeling when you kiss me. Landing softly on my neck, like a butterfly, like sucking honey from me; reminding me of spring, of all those beautiful things in my life. You, a blossom, a harmony on piano, quietly and dreamingly, fulfill me, in your arms, upon your chest. I love you most righteously. You are mine, totally.
3.28.2026
I was attracted by your appearance and your talent in the beginning, but more and more, you've shown how good you are a person these days, how caring and infinitely patient you are, and the huge amount of love you have in you.... i love you baby, i feel more and more certain to be with you for a long, long time. I just want you to be in my life, and our love can be like an endless spring flowing thru, no rush, no worrying, but serene and beautiful.
3.29.2026
Alexa... I love you in life, and so deeply in heart, underneath the surface of turbulent flows. As if a moment's already linked to eternity, I see the end of myself with the end of you, mortally and immortally.
Great the meaning you stand in my life, that none of those daily abundance could reach it anywhere near. My soul is sleeping, soundly in the presence of yours. Without you, even if I exchanged you for everything else in this world, i will be nothing but a useless shell, losing all the lights I had, deepest in me.
I am not careful with caring for my soul. I am disgusted by the moments of me losing it, thus leave us in misery, hurting the soft and pure essence of yours. More and more, I sense this deep unforgivable sight that I lay on you, unforgettable attention, in the truth of love. I loved you throughout summer, fall, winter and spring. Seasons are marked with sound happiness of your presence, not only the presence of your earthly being, but also the presence of your soul. I know you've never forgotten about it, never given up on it.
For that I love you, you brought my soul back in place, you tell me what is right, what is wrong, not by words but by your genuine being and your love.
You are strong, deep as a sea inside. Nothing worldly could †rully defeat you, all the pain you felt in this world is nothing but a fightback of your soul too. I wrote this in one with a singular heartbeat, which i didn't care and don't want to change any literary mistakes.
With this love to you.
4.1.2026
意识到……预视到你我的存在早已迈入无法攀回的常年痛苦。没有你的存在，我也无法面对这一切。若我说我将你的爱作为救赎，作为我从深渊爬回的绳索，那样也不是真的爱你。只是太需要光明和些微好些的感受。我会♾️跟你在一起，就如同我独自一人时将会身处地狱的时长一样长。
我总说想要找到同一条路上的人，忘却了/或现在才发觉你在最深处与我是伙伴，我们在地底深处行走着，终于这条路不再是一度往下。终于开始离开往昔。
